It's a....

I don't have anything creative or fun ready like I wanted to, but I do have this letter that I wrote to the baby last week. It is very long, I don't know how many people will read it, but I will post it nonetheless. I have been very hesitant to share this news due to my fear of people's reactions, but I think I am ready for all the tactless and insensitive things that people may say. You know, like, "Oh no! Not another boy." That kind of thing gets to me, so I didn't want to tell the whole world until I felt tough enough to handle all of that. Please know I am very excited and grateful for this news.


To my dear fourth son,

It is October 23, 2008, I am 16 weeks pregnant, and you are approximately 20 weeks from being born if history repeats itself. In non-pregnant time, that flies by pretty quick, but in pregnant time that seems like eternity. It was just this week that I found out it was you. Honestly, I hoped you would come fifth. My “perfect” family plan would have bumped you back a few years to separate the two sisters that I want you to have. Girls need space, and I thought our family needed that balance. Don’t get me wrong, I have always wanted you. From the time I got pregnant with your oldest brother, Isaac, I knew I wanted at least 4 boys, if not 5. And of course your father would have been disappointed if you had not come now.

On Monday the doctor performed an early ultrasound in which we couldn’t tell what we were looking at. He gave us a 60% chance that you were a girl! As I looked at the pictures that night I realized that you were not a girl. I scheduled another ultrasound for the next day at a place called Fetal Fotos. The ultrasound was incredible. It was so much clearer than the one I saw the day earlier. Like the day before, you lay perfectly still for the ultrasound, and we had the perfect chance to see if you were a boy or girl. It was very clear. You are most certainly a boy. I enjoyed the rest of the ultrasound, but was crying as soon as I got to the car. I didn’t even understand why I was crying, which made me want to cry even more. I drove myself straight to the mall to buy you the most adorable newborn clothes that you don’t even need. Dad called after he was done teaching his class. I told him we were having a boy. He asked me how I was doing. I never could spit out an answer. Tears streaming down my face in the middle of Gymboree, I listened to your father carry on about the tremendous blessing of having a fourth boy, and how this was the dream. His dream, not mine.

My heart ached for so many reasons. The first, and probably strongest being my protective “mother bear” instincts that didn’t and don’t want anyone else to be disappointed that you are you. Almost every person reacted to this pregnancy with the expectation or hope that you were a girl. It’s only natural. But I remember some of the reactions when I was pregnant with your brother Henry, and watching peoples lips curl up a bit when they realized we were having a third boy. Some even went as far as saying, “Not another boy!” Or apologizing. I can only imagine what they will say this time. And of course there is the ever present yearning in nearly every human being to experience the parenting of both genders. That shouldn’t bother me, I have always known that you have at least one sister who is yet to come. So I’m not giving up that experience by you coming now. And what ever happened to that 50/50 chance? I don’t think I could flip a coin and get the same outcome four times in a row! But then again I recall cheating on the penny experience in my statistics class. Instead of flipping the same coin, we decided to get “much pennies” and throw them all to save time. It wasn’t my idea, but it sounded good at the time. So maybe I could flip a coin and get the same outcome four times, I’m starting to think I would be pretty good at that ;)

I went back to Grammy’s house after shopping and asked her to come on a drive with me. She had 5 girls in a row. She understood me. She spoke loving words and listened as I cried. Even with her being my mother, I don’t think I would have trusted her as much as I did being that she has been through similar experiences. That night I went to Young Women’s, where there are two leaders with same-gender families. One with 5 girls, and one with 4 boys. I felt they were the only people who knew how to react, they understood exactly how I felt.
I have had two days to contemplate my thoughts and feelings now. I have looked at your pictures, and watched the DVD of you. You are absolutely perfect! I see you resting your face in your hand, with your feet floating in amniotic fluid. You are so still, calm, peaceful. You are beautiful, and I can’t wait to meet you. I want you now more than you know. I’m sorry that I wanted you to be a girl, and I am so glad that you are coming now! I can’t wait to see if you look like your brothers. What color of lightsaber will you want? Dad has labeled the other boys: smart, strong, and sweet. Which “s” will you be, a repeat, or a new “s”? Will you have that elusive dark hair that I’ve been waiting for, or will I give birth to another surfer boy with white fur on his head like Daws? Whatever you look like, whoever you become, that all remains to be seen. I know that in about 20 weeks we will bring you home in the world’s tiniest monkey suit after the whirlwind which will be your birthday. In the meantime son, it’s just you and me for 20 more weeks which I will spend vacillating between cherishing every moment, and complaining that you could never come soon enough. Probably a little bit heavier on the latter though.

Love,
Mom