Aimee Danielle Biada

Words are so hard to come by right now. I don't know how or what to even post, but I know I'll regret it if I don't try to record this. Please forgive my inability to write clearly. It is 6:00 am, and I just can't sleep.

Today marks three months to the day since Jessica died. Yesterday, Aimee joined her. My oldest sister. What is it about oldest children? They have a way of holding a family together, of guiding the younger siblings. I looked to Aimee almost all of my life for advice, for help. She was a good big sister, fulfilling her duties and going far beyond them. She was my best friend for so many years. I miss her so much already, it hasn't even been 24 hours.

As I already posted, Aimee was really sick. We knew that. We knew her time was near. But it all happened so fast. We were supposed to be in Boston yesterday with her, getting makeovers at the mall, and going out to eat at someplace divine. Not spending our last moments with her. I can't seem to get to the point..... I'll try.

I left on Christmas day, aware that it was the last time she would ever recognize me in this life. I said goodbye, I told her the last things I needed to say to her. That doesn't mean I thought she only had 3 more days. I didn't know if I wanted to never leave her side, or escape into my own life and try to forget what was going on with her. But I knew that day that I had to leave. We had to go spend Christmas with the Lows, and they were very sweet to me as I sobbed to them. I felt like I needed to come back, but I couldn't really see the point as Aimee was only awake for a few hours a day, and wasn't coherent during those short hours. Why would I go back only to sit outside her room while she slept? I felt like I needed to though, and so did Dave. He repeatedly asked me when I was coming back down, and we decided that Friday would be a good day.

I woke up Friday, showered, and got Isaac and Henry ready and out the door. As I was driving down to Bountiful, Lauren called and told me to hurry. "Mom says that Aimee has the same look that Jessica had on the day she died." I told her I was on my way, and would be there as quickly as I could.

I walked into the house and went straight to Aimee's room. She was now on an oxygen mask, and her breaths were around 10 seconds apart. It was very similar to the way Jessica was breathing before she died, very laborious, and she lifted and turned her head as she breathed. Her skin was very hot to the touch, she obviously had a fever. The hospice nurse arrived shortly after I did, and she checked all of Aimee's vitals. She asked my Mom how blunt she would like her to be. We all agreed we wanted the truth. "Aimee is actively dying," she said. We knew it wouldn't be long.

We all gathered in the room together, and Aimee received a priesthood blessing releasing her from this life. I don't think it was longer than 30 minutes from that point. Probably less. We read her patriarchal blessing together (Lauren read), and then as she peacefully stopped breathing, Lauren and Kate sang to her the song, "Homeward Bound."

In the quiet, misty morning,
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing,
And the sky is clear and red.

When the summer's ceased its gleaming,
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure's lost its meaning,
I'll be homeward bound in time.

Bind me not to the pasture,
Chain me not to the plow,
Set me free to find my calling,
And I'll return to you somehow.

If you find it's me your missing,
If you're hoping I'll return,
To your thoughts I'll soon be listning,
in the road I'll stop and turn.

Then the wind will set me racing,
As my journey nears its end,
And the paths I'll be retracing,
When I'm homeward bound again.

Bind me not to the pasture,
Chain me not to the plow,
Set me free to find my calling,
And I'll return to you somehow.

In the quiet, misty morning,
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing,
I'll be homeward bound again.

It was so beautiful. My sister's are so sweet. All of them. As Carrie said, "Jessica was probably right there singing with them." This is one thing that makes me so happy- I know that Jessy was right there to meet Aimee. As soon as she was able, I know Jessica would be there to greet Aimee. And knowing my sister Jess, she would be jumping out of her skin (figuratively) with excitement to show Aimee around. The two are reunited. These two little girls that were born so close together in this life, were born even closer together into the next life.

There was a beautiful feeling of peace that filled the room afterwards. If only we could bottle up that feeling and drink of it when we needed to. It was so sweet. We spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what even happened. It was all too much to comprehend.

We sat with her body in the room for a long time. We just couldn't leave her. She looked beautiful, and peaceful. I studied the features of her face, her hands, her fingers. It's amazing how the very fingers of a person are so unique. Hands are such a part of an individual. I don't want to forget even one of those features of Aimee. I remember doing this with Jessica, and I can still remember the details as I looked at her toes, fingers and lips. It will be such a long time before I see them again. These sisters that I've known my whole life, but won't see again until the next life. She looked so good, I walked by her room at one point and started asking her where Dad was. Then I said out loud, "You can't answer me can you." But answer or no, I liked having her there. I didn't want them to take her away. But of course they had to. This is the natural course.

We had a family meeting to plan the "Aimee Life Celebration Trip." This was Aimee's idea to help us be happier after she died. She wanted us to sell her house, and use the money to go on a "kick butt" vacation. I thought it would be fun to begin planning where we wanted to go. We enjoyed discussing all the different possibilities. We're leaning towards Cancun right now at one of the palace resorts. But nothing has been decided of course. It was a fun discussion, but when it was over, she was still gone. It didn't really make up for that. But it is such a sweet thing for her to do for us. And it's nice to have something to think about that is happy. Thank you Aimee.

I still can't believe this has happened. I don't even know what else to write. I'm so sad. We all are.
Aimee, Jessica, and I when we were sealed to our parents for time and all eternity at the Washington DC temple. It's such a blessing to be sealed together, I'm so grateful for the sealing powers of the priesthood.


Aimee and I on the day Josh was sealed to us at the Bountiful Temple

Cancer Sucks

I don't really like that word, but Aimee had one of these buttons, and I'm sure she would love having this on my blog. Aimee is sick, really sick. I have been avoiding this post as long as I could, partially because I couldn't admit it, and couldn't figure out what to write about it. Also I have been avoiding it because I didn't want her to have to read this. She was living in a world of denial, and seeing it written would have been really hard for her.

Aimee's cancer has metastasized. In October after spending the summer doing radiation and chemotherapy, Aimee had her post-treatment scan done. It showed growths on her lungs that weren't there before. One could assume they were tumors, but it couldn't be proven until another scan showed growth. Aimee chose the path of denial. So we went along hoping for a miracle, that these spots on the scan were just some fluky thing. Although no one really believed it except her. She just couldn't accept the thought of dying.

Aimee started planning fun things to do so she would have something to look forward to. She planned this trip to Boston with Lauren and I, and she planned a family cruise. She made it to the family cruise, but afterwards admitted that she was having a hard time breathing.

They returned from the cruise on December 1st, and 2 days later she started on oxygen. Her scan a week later showed a tumor 7 cm on her left lung (along with others) and some tumors in her hips and back.

What it didn't show was what was going on inside her head. A week ago she started skipping a few words here and there and acting a little bit confused. Some said it could be the pain meds. On Saturday I saw her and she looked a lot sicker, but spoke normally. On Sunday my family came to the conclusion that the cancer had spread into her brain. When we showed up on Monday, she was getting set up for hospice. I went in her room (Which was so recently Jessica's room), and laid down on the bed with her. I started to weep. We wept together. We spoke for a bit, some of it made sense, some didn't. This was Christmas Eve. We were supposed to go out to eat together!

I decided to give Aimee her Christmas present on Christmas Eve for fear that she wouldn't wake up in time on Christmas morning. I hand stitched a temple apron for her to be buried in just like I gave to Jessica last year for Christmas. She loved it! She loved it every time I gave it to her......

On her way from the couch to the dinner table she fell. As she did, I saw bruises on her knees. I think she has fallen a lot. She came to eat dinner, but spent more time playing with the ice in her cup. We tried talking to her about Boston, but most of what she said didn't make any sense. She did understand that she wasn't going anymore.

By Christmas morning, when she did wake up, she said very little that made sense anymore. It was just like my grandma who had dementia. She was very happy, but very confused. I asked her to try to remember what I gave her for Christmas, but she just couldn't. So I gave it to her again. It is fairly rewarding to give a person their Christmas present several times and see that reaction. But heartbreaking under the given circumstances.

We left around noon on Christmas to visit Dave's family. Aimee held my hand and I gave her all my requests for her when she gets to the other side. I told her we would miss her, and I loved her, and that I was so, so, sorry. I expected that this would be my last chance to do that and have her understand me. It seems that I may have been right. She is getting weaker, and having a hard time staying awake at all.

It is so hard for me to understand. This is my smart, older sister. She got an MBA from BYU, so scored a 32 on her ACT, how can this brilliant mind deteriorate like this? To use my father's words, she is fading. She is fading so fast! Just a week ago we were planning our trip to Boston, and she had organized a whole itinerary. Now she scarcely can remember our names, and she'll say things that don't even make sense to her. Yesterday she said a jumbled up, random grouping of words, and afterwards she said, "That didn't make sense." At least she could laugh about it.

The doctor's said she would probably have 2 or 3 months after she started having symptoms, but doctors lie! We don't even know if she has more than a week or two. I feel this icky numb feeling. I can't believe this is happening. We aren't ready! We just stood together at the cemetery not even 3 months ago! I don't want another funeral. I don't want to stand in this awful cold weather and watch my sister be buried. And most of all, I don't want to watch them take another one of my Mom's babies away! I watched her after Jessica died, and she didn't want to leave her side. How can this happen twice in one year?

I honestly don't know why this is so hard. I have a great eternal perspective, I know we'll be together again. But I think it will take some time to get used to all this. The whole dynamics of our family change now. We go from 6 to 4 kids. I become the oldest. But I do know that I have a wonderful family, and we'll make it through. Not only will we make it through, but we will have fun, laugh, smile, and all grow old together, because we are NOT losing another family member for a LONG time! And we will enjoy the wonderful memories of our two sisters who left us early. We have a lot of memories with them, and we'll need them to keep us happy.

I don't even know if this post is written for anyone else to understand. My mind is so clouded over when I think about it all. I just needed to get something written down.

Big News

BIG news- I'm engaged! Just kidding, that happened about 5 years ago. Even better, my ring fits again. I haven't been able to wear it since I started gaining weight in my pregnancy with Henry, and now it fits! Now I don't have to look like a single mother to 3 little boys! I feel like I got an early Christmas present.

Monkeying around

The boys love their monkey jammies, but I think the jammies encourage monkey-like behavior. ;) Not that they need much encouraging!



I wouldn't want to forget my other monkey.

Imagination

Isaac drew up a map today on a post-it. It was a map to "stonestep hill" (from Backyardigans). It was so funny, he ripped the map in half and gave me half so he could race me to stonestep hill. Since I know how this story goes, I said out loud, "Green spaghetti! why would someone put green spaghetti on the map." Isaac came over and pointed to the map and said, "I think that's a popsicle." I was confused because there is nothing about popsicles in the episode. Then I started laughing hysterically as I realized he meant OBSTACLE. He is so funny. He also has had a "peg leg" today, just like Captain Pablo the pirate. His imagination cracks me up. He is such an easy child, I'm so thankful for him.

Dribble, dribble, shoot!

Dawson learned a new phrase. He is obsessed with balls, and he loves to play with our little basketball hoop all day. He actually is quite good, and has an excellent arm. When he plays basketball now, he bends over and hits the ball on the ground while saying drrrr, drrr, drrrr, then shouts SHOOT! and shoots the ball. It's really cute!

The long awaited smile!

The time has finally come! This morning after a long night's sleep and a good milky meal, Henry smiled! Not just a little smile, but BIG smiles with scrunchy eyes. SO CUTE! He just kept smiling too, it wasn't a one time thing. We probably had a good half hour of talking and smiling, it was really sweet. Tomorrow morning maybe I can catch it on camera. My sweet baby. I love being a Mom!

Ahem.

I am pleased to announce that I am starting a new blog. This new blog will be called "Preggot!- a blog about pregnancy, motherhood, and whatever else I feel like posting." It will be an impersonal blog, not about me but about the resources and information I have found on these topics through all my research. For those who don't know, I am quite an internet researcher, but I also love to trap my doctors in the examination room asking them questions. I really do think I know a lot of valuable information on this topic, so I think it will be a great site. So for anyone who has any interest in my topics, stay tuned for the first post on Preggot! The URL is www.preggot.blogspot.com

I will have it linked from my family blog, and once it gets going, feel free to link it to your blog as well! I am still writing the initial content, (amid all my other projects... I have way too many!) and will post as soon as I get a few articles written.

City Council Training

Dave had a city council "land use" training in North Salt Lake, and I hitched a ride with him. We are down in Bountiful for 2 days, and loving every second of it. The boys are getting constant attention, Dawson loves his audience (They clap for pretty much everything he does), and Isaac takes advantage of the suckers that make him chocolate milk any time he asks. Grammy spoils them with fun new toys and the Grammy cafe (She makes Isaac anything he asks for to eat), and Dawson helped himself to some doggy treats. Mmmm. We love coming down here.

Grammy getting some quality time with Bubba
Grammy got out some new blocks for Isaac to play with, and he built himself a beautiful tower.

Christmas Magic

My Mom started a new Christmas tradition in our family. She doesn't know it's a tradition yet, but... she does now! She gave each of my boys one of the old school Chocolate Christmas Calendars. Isaac loves it! He not only talks about how it is "So nice of Grammy to give me chocolate," but also about how many chocolates are left and how when the chocolate is gone, Christmas is here. I make him find the numbers, so it is helping him identify his numbers. It has been so fun, thanks Mom!

I LOVE wrapping presents. I love to be creative in trying to make my presents look pretty, but I never spend very much money on wrapping supplies. I always buy my wrapping paper 75% off after Christmas, and my ribbon too. I also try to buy the paper that isn't so Christmassy for 75% off too, so I wrap birthday and baby presents for cheap too. This year, I don't have much in the way of ribbon for some reason. So I've been trying to be creative to make my wrapping pretty without having to go buy ribbon full price. I learned that wrapping paper can make great ribbon. And in the process of using some of my "paper" ribbon, I came up with this great idea. Wrapping paper snowflakes! They are so pretty! (Don't look Mom and Dad, that is your present!) So as you are wrapping your presents this year, give someone a present with a "wrapping paper snowflake." And you can even take the credit for that brilliant idea. I hereby release to rights to all my blog readers to make "wrapping paper snowflakes." Lucky you!


Our new family Christmas Eve tradition that I'm excited about is the "Christmas Cake." We were talking with our friends about how to bring Christ into Christmas, and we decided to make a birthday cake for baby Jesus. But somehow, Dave and I aren't the world's biggest cake fans, so we decided to make a coffee cake (renamed Christmas cake) on Christmas Eve and eat it for breakfast on Christmas morning. Of course, with candles and the song. I mean for a kid to believe that we are celebrating the birth of the Savior, don't they need to see the birthday cake? I'm excited about this way to teach our children about why we celebrate Christmas.

We love Christmas time in our family, and we are having fun planning all our new traditions for our little family.

Sweet Baby

Our baby was......
Isn't that cute? Our friend Sadie (A fellow boy mom- 4 boys 1 girl) gave it to us. I love it!

Our sweet little "Bubba" is 6 weeks old today. I wish I could bottle up this baby stage, he is so sweet! Really, he doesn't do anything exciting- no smiling, no intentional coo-ing, etc. But he still sleeps most of the time, and is really good. We love having this sweet boy in our home, he brings a lot of joy even in times that don't always call for joy.

I just got an email with a blog request. I didn't know they existed, but it has been requested that I post a "pregnancy" blog with all my information. For those of you who don't know, I am obsessed with the medical aspects of conceiving and pregnancy. I had my Dr. laughing yesterday as I asked all my technical, medical questions at my 6 week appointment. The funny thing about me and pregnancy is I LOVE getting pregnant, I LOVE giving birth (even though I scream how bad I hate it at the time), and I LOVE the babies, but I really don't like those 8 months in between. I wish I could somehow skip those 8 months... Maybe my research will help me find a way :). I have studied pregnancy and everything that goes with it for the last 4 1/2 years, and I have some great resources that I share with those who ask. Now I will send it out there for those who don't ask. HA! But really getting pregnant/pregnancy is a very private thing for some, and I know it's hard to ask these things, so this might be a good thing for some of my readers. Especially those wondering how I just got checks in the mail for $6600 just for giving birth. Yes, I will tell you how to MAKE money having a child (of course it's only at birth, they'll suck the money out of you for the rest of their lives still). So stay tuned for that post! And feel free to email me any other "blog requests"

3 little boys

Life is still fun and exhausting with these 3 kids. We just love them all, and spend so much time laughing at them.

Yesterday in the car Isaac said, "Dawson poked me!" And of course Dawson had an evil little grin on his face. I can't believe this has started already!

Isaac is the innkeeper in his school nativity, and he is very good at his line, "NO ROOM!" Hilarious. This morning I told him we needed to get his innkeeper costume ready and he said, "Hmmm, I know, I could wear my Buzz Lightyear costume!"

The first thing Dawson wants in the morning is milk. The second, football. He runs in here, grabs the remote, and hands it to me saying, "ball, ball, ball." Sick!

One more thing I love about Isaac- he calls Dave and I "guys." He thinks we're just his buddies, and he'll say, "Hey guys, I have an idea!" Just like we're 3 friends all hanging out. I obviously need to start spanking him so he knows who is boss!


This picture explains itself doesn't it? My little Dawson monkey!

Dave thinks Dawson is goofy looking, but I think he's cute! Dave tells me it's a face only a mother could love. Personally, I think he's going to be gorgeous when he grows up with those blue eyes and big dimples.


Henry has the best wardrobe of any little baby boy west of the Mississsippi! Seriously, he has so many cute outfits, I feel like he should get his picture taken every day! Here are some of the favorites:


I love his handsome devil hoodie that Grandma Stevie gave him, but he doesn't look quite as handsome in this picture as he is in real life. He looks quite stressed out in this picture!

I don't know if this was a yawn or a scream. I can't remember!

This outfit was Isaac's originally... still cute!
Henry has not only accumulated an incredible wardrobe, but several nicknames including: Rico (Grandpa George), Ole Hen (Jesse), and Bubba (Daws). He is still a very sweet baby, but not perfect anymore. He has some fussy times, which are actually more stressful than when Dawson had colic because I don't know what is wrong with him. With Daws I knew that there was no way to stop him from crying, with Henry I frantically try everything I can think of to make him stop, and he does stop, but then he'll start again a few minutes later. It's really not much, definitely not colic, but it does exclude him from the "perfection" category. He's still sleeping well at night, he's doing 5 or 6 hours for the first stretch and then about 4 hours for the second. Sometimes I only wake up once at night! Keep it up dude!

Henry's Blessing Day

Yesterday was Henry's blessing day. It was a wonderful day, and a beautiful blessing- given by Dave. It was so nice to be with our family, and celebrate the birth of this beautiful baby! We love Henry! Of course, it was such a busy day, that we didn't get any pictures of our family, but we did get a pic of Aimee and I, and the proud grandparents (on my side)