I've been enjoying some dreams with my dad in them lately. I didn't have one until last weekend. I love dreams about dead people, because you never remember they are dead in your dream. Actually, I sometimes do remember towards the end of the dream and then they kind of fade away, it's sad. Oddly enough, I have spent way more time hanging out with Aimee in my dreams this week. I don't know why. But I have dreamed with Aimee every night this week. Why not Jessica? I don't know. I almost never dream about Jessica. There is just something about Aimee. I can't explain it. But I still have a connection with her that I don't have with my dad or Jess. I don't know what that connection is, but I just know it exists. I wish I had it with my dad right now, but I just don't.
I'm an emotional rollercoaster. I can barely stand myself. I feel every emotion on a daily basis. Yet I still don't understand that he is gone. I have far fetched stories including the government kidnapping him and making a fake body for us. And I also just have basic denial. When I have to close my eyes tight and think it through to really comprehend that he's not coming back.
My dad was going to come help me finish my low voltage wiring. It sounds like it shouldn't be a big deal, but it IS a big deal to me. Looking at those empty boxes in my walls with a cable or internet wire hanging out is unbelievably painful to me. I was so excited to have him come up, praise me for all my work in the basement, and spend a day with me teaching me how to do it. I feel like I should be able to tell him at least, when I'm done, that I did it without him. That I grabbed his low voltage tool bag from his truck and brought it up here. That Josh came and showed me how to do it. That we figured out what that funny little clicky tool does. And that while we were doing it, and I was already feeling dizzy over the fact that it wasn't you, my husband peaked over my shoulder and said, "Oh yeah, I did this with George upstairs." and I almost fell over. Such a silly, silly thing to be so emotional over, but it is almost too much. I almost want to hire someone to do it. I want to tell him this. I feel like at bare minimum it should only be a few years before I can tell him. And then someone I know says, "Oh you're so young, it's going to be a LONG time until you see him again." Thank you. That helps.
Oh dear. If you're scared to talk to me now, I understand. I'm scared to talk to me. But I do have this wild and crazy rollercoaster going on inside me on a daily basis. Feelings of anger, or sadness, of injustice, thoughts that I know aren't true. I want to feel normal. But most of all, I want to go back in time. I want to click Ctrl-Z and undo it. It seems like everything in life can be undone. There are ways to get out of everything, even crimes can sometimes be wiped off your record. Why, oh why can't we undo death?
And on that lovely and profound thought (note the sarcasm), I'm going to go make my children breakfast.
2 comments:
Dear Erica. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. We thought the first few weeks after the passing of John's parents was the hardest. It will take time, and honestly it will always be hard. I was just reading Elder Anderson's talk in the recent Ensign, and thought of you and John. I bet it will help you to read the Ensign and remember to turn to the Savior. It's not always that easy though :( You will always miss him and wish he was here with you. But that shows that you loved him.
Erica, you are one of the strongest women I know in so many ways. I am sure many of the amazing qualities you have that contribute to that strength came from you dad. I continue to pray for you. If you need anything, let me know. If you and Dave need a night on the town to get your mind off of things lemme know and I can come tend the kids. Send me an email runaholic [at] gmail [dot] com or a Facebook message. Lots of love, dear!
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