But today I write this just remembering where I was at one year ago today. It was such a painful place to be. I didn't sleep. I couldn't eat. It was painful to just exist. One year ago today we got that phone call. That changed our lives.
Today, I am definitely in a much better place. I didn't think today would even affect me, until I was driving to preschool. And the snow fell. And I remembered. And I cried. So I cried harder and harder yet. And I started to think it was probably pretty dangerous to cry like that while you drive. And I didn't like the feeling of the tears on my eyelids as I rubbed them around. And I was glad that I didn't wear eye makeup today. And then I stopped crying right before I got to the front of the line to pick up Dawson. And I was fine.
I was thinking about some of the things that are different about me this year.
I no longer pick up my phone to call my dad, which was a habit that was hard to break. In fact, I rarely think about him in that "maybe he could...." kind of way. My brain usually remembers that he is gone and not an option. It's sad, but good. It has to be that way, so I'm glad it is.
I'm not nearly as mad at him as I was. I spent a lot of time glaring at his picture. I can't say that I'm entirely over it, but I have less to be angry about. (He was such an easy person to direct anger at)
I know all the people around me who have lost a parent, and I feel so differently about them. I never understood what it would be like to lose a parent. I figured once you were an adult, it wasn't a big deal. You don't need them, right? It's still quite a big deal. Especially the whole problem with the one they left behind. It's not very nice to die before your spouse, it's really the kindest thing to go together. Yeah. Not always an option. So even when you are an adult and your parent dies, it is a huge impact on you, and in addition, you have a parent left that you worry about. I worry about my mom alot. She has done amazingly well, but I still worry about her. I don't want her to feel any pain ever. Anyway, I digress. I view all those around me who have lost a parent differently than I would have before my dad died. My dear friend lost her mother this week, and I felt like no one knew how to take care of her like I could. Not that I did much, but I felt like I had something to offer just by being her friend. I felt that way because of all of my friends who helped me in the last year. I have been well taught by you all. I will never forget the acts of kindness from all our dear friends and neighbors. All the people who stood in that awful, long line at the viewing so that we could hug them. We needed you!
I no longer wince at the thought of not having a dad. I remember hearing people talk about their dads stung a little. People would say, "I can't imagine how it would feel to lose my dad." and I would think, "You lucky dog, you still have a dad!" Note: I was NEVER begrudging to people having a dad still, just jealous. VERY glad for all of you who still have your dad living.....at least glad for those who like their dads. I remember enjoying saying things like, "Yeah, my dad has one of those in his garage." "HAS" It made me feel good if I could say it as if he were still here.
But now, I think I'm over that. I think I like my new life. I know the Lord has provided for us. We have been blessed beyond measure, and to be quite honest, I am not willing to give up those blessings. I love having my mom live here. She is wonderful. There could never be a more pure and happy woman on this Earth than her. I have so much to learn from her. She is learning so much, and has come so far. You would never believe it. I never thought it would be possible. Lauren has matured tremendously this year and accomplished things that would bring her dad to tears if he was here. I can imagine how proud he would be of her and my mom.
I can't even type all the lessons I've learned this year. But if there is one more thing I can write today it is this: We all have agency. We all have burdens. No matter if they are public like ours, or extremely private, we are all struggling. And how we endure these burdens ultimately dictates our happiness. We choose our destiny. Even when unthinkably hard things happen, we can choose to be happy and move on. And "if" we endure them well, we will get the ultimate, eternal happiness. And if we don't, then that is what we have chosen. And we cannot blame anyone or any circumstance for that. Because we have agency.
If there ever was a time in my life that I knew there was a God in Heaven watching over us it.is.now.
If there is anyone who is reading my blog and hasn't given up on me (I know I'm a blogging failure) Thank you for your love, support, and/or prayers always, and especially in the last year.
