Renovations

We are expanding our house by two feet. Renovations have already begun and are already taking their toll on this family. We are scheduled to be done by December 6th, but we usually wrap these things up a little early. As uncomfortable as I feel bragging about this so early on, height and width restrictions make it quite obvious, and some members of our family have a hard time keeping secrets anyway. We'll keep you posted on the progress.....maybe...... If we have energy.

1 year

I really haven't felt like blogging in about....... 6 months or so. I don't know why, just super lazy.

But today I write this just remembering where I was at one year ago today. It was such a painful place to be. I didn't sleep. I couldn't eat. It was painful to just exist. One year ago today we got that phone call. That changed our lives.

Today, I am definitely in a much better place. I didn't think today would even affect me, until I was driving to preschool. And the snow fell. And I remembered. And I cried. So I cried harder and harder yet. And I started to think it was probably pretty dangerous to cry like that while you drive. And I didn't like the feeling of the tears on my eyelids as I rubbed them around. And I was glad that I didn't wear eye makeup today. And then I stopped crying right before I got to the front of the line to pick up Dawson. And I was fine.

I was thinking about some of the things that are different about me this year.

I no longer pick up my phone to call my dad, which was a habit that was hard to break. In fact, I rarely think about him in that "maybe he could...." kind of way. My brain usually remembers that he is gone and not an option. It's sad, but good. It has to be that way, so I'm glad it is.

I'm not nearly as mad at him as I was. I spent a lot of time glaring at his picture. I can't say that I'm entirely over it, but I have less to be angry about. (He was such an easy person to direct anger at)

I know all the people around me who have lost a parent, and I feel so differently about them. I never understood what it would be like to lose a parent. I figured once you were an adult, it wasn't a big deal. You don't need them, right? It's still quite a big deal. Especially the whole problem with the one they left behind. It's not very nice to die before your spouse, it's really the kindest thing to go together. Yeah. Not always an option. So even when you are an adult and your parent dies, it is a huge impact on you, and in addition, you have a parent left that you worry about. I worry about my mom alot. She has done amazingly well, but I still worry about her. I don't want her to feel any pain ever. Anyway, I digress. I view all those around me who have lost a parent differently than I would have before my dad died. My dear friend lost her mother this week, and I felt like no one knew how to take care of her like I could. Not that I did much, but I felt like I had something to offer just by being her friend. I felt that way because of all of my friends who helped me in the last year. I have been well taught by you all. I will never forget the acts of kindness from all our dear friends and neighbors. All the people who stood in that awful, long line at the viewing so that we could hug them. We needed you!

I no longer wince at the thought of not having a dad. I remember hearing people talk about their dads stung a little. People would say, "I can't imagine how it would feel to lose my dad." and I would think, "You lucky dog, you still have a dad!" Note: I was NEVER begrudging to people having a dad still, just jealous. VERY glad for all of you who still have your dad living.....at least glad for those who like their dads. I remember enjoying saying things like, "Yeah, my dad has one of those in his garage." "HAS" It made me feel good if I could say it as if he were still here.

But now, I think I'm over that. I think I like my new life. I know the Lord has provided for us. We have been blessed beyond measure, and to be quite honest, I am not willing to give up those blessings. I love having my mom live here. She is wonderful. There could never be a more pure and happy woman on this Earth than her. I have so much to learn from her. She is learning so much, and has come so far. You would never believe it. I never thought it would be possible. Lauren has matured tremendously this year and accomplished things that would bring her dad to tears if he was here. I can imagine how proud he would be of her and my mom.

I can't even type all the lessons I've learned this year. But if there is one more thing I can write today it is this: We all have agency. We all have burdens. No matter if they are public like ours, or extremely private, we are all struggling. And how we endure these burdens ultimately dictates our happiness. We choose our destiny. Even when unthinkably hard things happen, we can choose to be happy and move on. And "if" we endure them well, we will get the ultimate, eternal happiness. And if we don't, then that is what we have chosen. And we cannot blame anyone or any circumstance for that. Because we have agency.

If there ever was a time in my life that I knew there was a God in Heaven watching over us it.is.now.

If there is anyone who is reading my blog and hasn't given up on me (I know I'm a blogging failure) Thank you for your love, support, and/or prayers always, and especially in the last year.

8 years

Yesterday was our 8th anniversary. I admit we didn't really do anything more than tell each other Happy Anniversary. I'm feeling pretty good that we remembered it though. :)

But I do really love and admire the guy I married. He was absolutely the right choice for me, and I have loved our 8 years together. Hopefully we have lots of future anniversaries, and maybe we'll even celebrate them! I love you Dave!

Happy Birthday to me......

My birthday was 2 weeks ago. It was a great day aside from the fight I got into with Dave, but he made up for it later. He got me the cutest ice cream cake. It was pink. And he bought me the Bissel Little Green carpet cleaner. I have been really wanting one, and now I won't have to borrow Julie Allens anymore.

Then my little sister Lauren came to my house and made me dinner. YUMM! How often do people come to your house and cook you dinner/dessert?

And lastly, my mom gave me two very special presents.

This is an Emerald/Diamond ring that my dad gave to my mom when they were dating. Isn't it cool? I wore it today and loved it.


This is a terrible picture, but this is a prism charm on a sterling silver chain. It belonged to my great grandmother. The story behind this is that my mom's grandmother had a beautiful vanity, and she would sometimes let my mom sit at it. My mom would try on this beautiful "diamond" and feel like a princess. She requested that her grandmother leave it to her, and now she gave it to me. It's beautiful, and special. A family heirloom. I love it.


I usually don't expect much for birthdays, but I must admit I got some of the best gifts ever this year. Happy Birthday to me!

It's like raiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnn on your wedding day

How ironic is it to take your maiden voyage in your new convertible and have it totaled all at once? Shall we ask Alanis? Nah.

Buuuut, March seems to have become the month of cars for us. Here are our stories.

Story #1

On Friday night we realized the snow had melted and we should take Dad's Camaro for our date night. We got the vehicle insured, but when we went to leave the battery was dead after sitting all winter. :( On Saturday, Dave got the battery fixed and drove it to church in the morning. Sunday afternoon Henry spilled paint on the carpet. :( again. The new carpet downstairs. Luckily, I flooded it, and kept it wet while I sent him to break the Sabbath and buy a carpet cleaner. He wasn't a fan of breaking the Sabbath, so he drove out to N. Logan to borrow Julie Allen's Bissel Little Green carpet cleaner. It's such an awesome little machine.

As he drove home, someone ran a stop sign and collided with Dave. TOTALED my dad's beautiful Camaro. ARRRGGGG. The Camaro that he had put SOOOOO much more money into, than it was worth. I mean we're talking 2x+ the value of the car. Poor Dave was SO deflated. He was so excited to have a red convertible, and to keep my dad around.

Story #2
I have been frustrated with my Suburban lately. It didn't have anything dramatically wrong with it, just lots of little quirks. Like running out of gas 10 minutes after it was at 1/8 a tank. In.my.friends.driveway. (one time it happened to be at Julie Allens house, for goodness sakes, they must think we are cursed) With gas prices rising I kept thinking that it would be a good time to sell my Suburban because it has CNG installed on it. I talked with my mom about it a few times, but figured I would wait until the summer.

In looking at comps of convertibles online, I decided to throw my Suburban on KSL at a high price. I figured since I had no intention of selling it, if I priced it really high, I could afford to wait as long as it took to find a buyer. No pressure. I listed it, and within the first day I think I had 15 responses. Whoops. It was a disaster, I had to keep pushing people off telling them it wasn't ready to show. 2 days later I pulled my act together and cleaned the car and showed it. I sold the car that day for $3500 more than I paid for the vehicle. Who does that? Who puts 40,000 miles on a vehicle and then makes money? I was so shocked, and I still can't quite believe it's gone.

So I spent 3 full days of completely ignoring my children to try to find a new Suburban. I didn't bathe them, or feed them, or even really pay attention to them (probably exaggerated a little) and I certainly didn't clean my house. I sat in bed on my laptop and searched for Suburbans.

Do you know how hard it is to find a used Suburban in Utah? It's like everybody just snatches them up. You know the 4 million car dealers on State St? Well, we drove through/by about 10-15 of them and found only maybe 3 Suburbans. Weird. So I found my Suburban online in San Antonio, where Suburbans must not be in very high demand. It's a couple thousand less than it would go for in Utah.

So now I wait for my car to arrive. And we still don't know what we will do with the Camaro. We would like to salvage it, but I don't know that it's possible. But I'm going to try to figure out how to get Dave a new convertible that he loves.


And here is Dave in his convertible on his first and last Sunday afternoon drive. *tear*

Two Pictures...because I'm scanning pictures

Picture 1: Because it's tournament time, and 10 years ago I cheered at the tournament and held the Big West Tournament Cup when we won. I called my dad right after and the first thing he said was, "You're dancin'!!!" (Unfortunately, I had to "dance" at home, they didn't take the freshmen.)


Picture 2: Because many people have never seen pictures of my heavier days. I weighed 40 pounds more then. Look at my big arms! And look at cute little Kate, when she was tiny and sweet......

I was raised....

Going to the racetrack with my dad like all good girls do. What? You didn't grow up with your dad taking you to the racetrack? It's such a wholesome atmosphere: drinking, gambling, smoking, swearing.....to name a few. Haha! In the years before my dad was baptized, he took great pride in his racehorses. This picture is of his all time favorite horse, EZ Ben. We always went down to the track at Freehold in NJ, and it was something I looked forward to as a kid. I remember taking my friend once and we both came home with long sleeved white t-shirts that had beer advertisements on them. Now that is some quality loot! And for years we used the free umbrellas my dad picked up there that had not so subtle COORS written on them.

Anyway, I found this picture when I was cleaning out my dad's office, and it includes my mom next to my Grandpa George and Grandma Lena, and the cute little girl my dad is holding, just happens to be me. And then there is Uncle Frank who looks like he's wearing an underwear shirt. I don't know who the other dudes in the picture are, or where my older sisters are? Anyway, I thought it was some fun family history.